It’s the first week of 2009! Enjoy a horrible new years flick!

Bloody New Year (1987)

Director: Norman J. Warren
Stars: Suzy Aitchison, Nikki Brooks, Colin Heywood

Is there a plot?

Some no good teens crash their boat on an island and seek shelter in an abandoned hotel that’s decorated for a huge New Year’s Eve party. What they don’t know is that the last day of the year….could be the last day of their lives.

Okay, I stole that from the tagline. Sue me.

What's the damage?

BLOODY NEW YEAR may be the least frightening scary movie ever made. Should you choose to watch it, and I suggest you do, just continually ask yourself “Who thought this would be good idea?” The results are truly amazing.

Two reasons why we wish Leia had been the one frozen in carbonite.

It doesn’t help that New Years Eve is the least scary holiday imaginable. Getting blitzed, wearing funny hats, making out with random strangers…the only terrifying thing I see here is the potential risk of the herp. Aside from that though, it’s all good fun. Which is probably why the filmmakers painted themselves in to a corner and offer some of the most bizarre and hilarious “scares” I’ve ever seen. Let’s make a list of what they try to terrify the characters with: a tiny net, a possessed wooden duck, random laughing shrubbery, a toy Santa doll, a haunted tablecloth, a living pinball machine, a rotating pool table, various cooking appliances that comes to life, an indoor snowstorm, a rampaging vacuum cleaner, ghostly fireworks, mysterious footprints in the sand, and a teacup amusement park ride. Like the one they have at Disneyworld. That.

Rupert was livid that Tim and Alex had forgotten to wear their “Of” and “Base” jackets like they promised.

The plot is kind of cool (a plane carrying some sort of time traveling equipment crashes on an island, thus dooming the partying inhabitants to be stuck in some sort of undead limbo), but the execution is just hilariously bad. BLOODY NEW YEAR drags a little bit toward the end, when you want the sucker to just wrap up and be done with, but up to that point, you’re privy to a variety of truly classic bad movie moments. See the Best Parts section below for evidence.

"Best" Line

This may be our first non-verbal Best Line, but this guy’s shrug after being seeing some effed up stuff is a real winner.

"Best" Parts

1) This is why they tell you to always aim for the head with zombies. You don’t want to accidentally hit the gassy lower intestine and be subjected to some true horror.

2) This may be one of the most random “WTF?!” moments we’ve seen yet. All I can say is that nothing that happened before or after this clip explained any of it. Enjoy.

3) There were too many great scenes where people get attacked by random shit, so I threw them all together in one montage. There’s a character getting murdered by a fictional movie character, a very angry net, and even a tablecloth monster. Also, pay attention to how long it takes everyone in each clip to react to what’s happening. What lousy friends.

Nudity Watch

A girl gets dirty in a bathtub….but curse the bubbles!

Enjoyableness Continuum:

Start 2009 right! Buy this movie here!

Play Along at Home!

Take a shot or drink every time:

• The suspenseful piano chime sounds (you’ll know it when you hear it)
• Horrible 80s music kicks in

Seen a movie that should be featured on this column? Shoot Jason an email and give him an excuse to drink.